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This Blog's Focus, or lack there of

Edith Wharton said "There are two ways of spreading light ...To be the candle, or the mirror that reflects it." That's what this blog is about, how the light of other people and the world around me have reflected off and in me. . .or other things when I need to write about other things, like walking, lizards, or fruit. There will be pictures of plants. All pictures are taken by me, unless noted.

I say what's on my mind, when it's there, and try to only upload posts that won't hurt or offend readers. However, readers may feel hurt or offended despite my good intentions. Blog-reading is a matter of free choice, that's what I have come to love about it, so if you are not pleased, surf on and/or leave a comment. I welcome any and all kind-hearted commentary.

It's 2012 and my current obsessions are writing and walking, sometimes at the same time. And books. I'm increasingly fascinated by how ebooks are transforming the physical book, forcing it to do more than provide printed words on a page.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Walks of Life

As an outdoorsy Tomboy, I've led a reasonably fit life, but over the past few years (most of my forties) my active way of life has eroded to nearly nothing. So this week I started walking, just 30 minutes a day, mainly because my recent blood work showed I have high cholesterol, the bad kind (LDL, little deadly lipids). But also because it feels good and is more interesting to me than running in place. I also have signs of adrenal fatigue, tired adrenal glades, exhausted by living inside me for too long. Stress tends to wear them out. I get stressed out by many things, crowds, conversations with people, loud noises, mean people, driving without my nav on, fretting about whether my children will grow up healthy and happy, too many e-mails, or just thinking about any of these things, as well as fretting about all the usual modern day stressors like the oil spill in the Gulf, war, economic depression, putting my fate in the hands of politicians in whom I have little to no faith (though I'm still holding out hope for Obama), the health care system, global warming, toxic waste, shifts in the magnetic poles, and on and on.

Anyhow, I'm out of whack and I'm trying to get back in whack, so I've started walking. I'm adjusting my diet (cutting down on Diet Coke, eating more grains, less dessert. . .the usual healthy stuff), but I don't want to write about food. So I'm going to write about walking.

For now, I walk in my neighborhood, because it is right outside my door. I live in a University town near the campus in an older neighborhood, next to a small park, a railroad track, and an irrigation canal. One measure of a neighborhoods urbanity is by counting how many Starbuck's are within walking distance of the front door. Within my 30 minute walk radius, there is only one, so my town is not really a city, though it likes to think of itself as a city. Among the businesses in the area I could walk to are:
  • Two Mexican restaurants, three if you count Taco Bell
  • a Bike Store
  • Three churches
  • a Florist
  • a state of the art Hydroponic store (for growing a righteous crop of cherry tomatoes, dude)
  • a Laundromat
  • a same day paycheck cashing facility
  • a plasma center
  • Canoe and Kayak school
  • and the Chamber of Commerce office
So I'm not going to write about my jaunt to buy a chalupa.

Rather, I will note things I see and think about while walking. Despite what may appear from Google Earth as a dull little burg, my neighborhood is full of fascinating walks of life. Take, for instance, the four lizards I saw in my garden this morning. One had a stumped tail that reminded me of the lessons my father used to give me about how to catch a lizard without ending up with nothing put a whip of still flicking lizard tail in your hand. Here are the basics. Sneak up behind them very quietly. Like me, they startle easily, so don't cast a shadow across them. Then pop your cupped hand on top of the entire lizard. Hold it firmly but gently in the little cave made by your scooped hand. Then ever so gently pinch the lizard at its shoulder blades and turn it over. I caught blue-bellied lizards growing up, so when I turned them over it was like I was holding a pinch of the California sky. Then you stroke their bellies with just one finger. This seems to make them sleepy, so they will lay belly up like a drunk on the beach for as long as you need to get a good look at them and they won't scurry off too quick and leave their tail in your hand when you let them go. I usually don't catch them anymore, enjoying to just look at them in the garden. It's enough to watch them sun of the wall or catch the occasional cricket. Two years ago, one that fell in a bucket in the front garden and lived in a terrarium for a year in my son's room. The little baby lizard we found that same year in a puddle in the front yard. Environmentally speaking, it's best not to keep garden lizards and then let them go, but that's what we did. We kept them until they ate big, live, lizard-vitamin-dusted crickets and the crickets kept escaping into the kitchen, chirping away every evening. So we let them return to the garden.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Another Rejection

Okay, so I finally read through one of my old neglected emailboxes and found another rejection, for an article submission this time. I am 1 for 4 this year. Focus on the 1I tell myself, focus on the one, the one, a phrase I can't hear without thinking of Spock and Kirk's final conversation in the Wrath of Khan:

Spock: The needs of the many outweigh...
Kirk: ...the needs of the few...
Spock: ...Or the one..

That's what I tell myself no matter how strong the Spockian doctrine reminds me that the needs of the many rejections (self-pity, self-loathing, self-flagellation) outweigh the needs of the one acceptance (a few yee haws). And I even liked the 1 the most, a very short memoir piece (flash memoir?) for this cool online journal called Brevity. Look for it in the January 2011 issue.

And keep writing. Right?

Or go out into the garden and snap macro shots of a flower, my go-to way to sooth my mind.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Blogging in Past Tense

Since starting to blog, I have actually started following other blogs. This is my typical approach, jump in first then look around, a practice which goes against all the rules of entering the water I learned from growing up by the Pacific and training as a SCUBA diver. So, I'm now swimming around in the big blog ocean and have realized something significant: most blogs are in real time, like long Tweets with focus. But I don't do that. I can't. At least not right now, not ever, and probably not by tomorrow.

I need an extended mulling over period before I write, anywhere from a few days to a few decades, depending on what's being mulled. Probably why I like true stories about old dead things. Maybe it's linked to that brain issue I have with the truth. As input is coming in, I have no idea what it means, what I think about it, how I feel about it, or even what to say about it. I need time to filter, process, categorize, organize, and reflect on all the input. Sure, I can react if input is dangerous (a stampede of elephants), but for the rest I can't write about what I don't yet understand, because telling a story like I know how it goes when I don't feels like lying to me.

Maybe my blog should be called Things I Can Write About Without Feeling Like I'm Lying.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Just Read (rhymes with red) This

"Write with only the fierce discipline of the desire for truth to guide you."
Patti Miller, p. 125 in the Memoir Book

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Rejection

Just rejected from an artist in residence program. Here are a few of the hateful responses to my work:
"shining credentials!  what an honor it would be to have her in the
program!"
"love this work"

What?

It is possible to be loved and still not chosen.

I can't lie. . .really, it's some brain wiring that makes me not able to lie. . .or at least not able to lie very well. So I can't lie, rejection sucks, but not as much as I expect it to before it happens. Fear of rejection drove me to do my stupider things when I was younger: fawn after people, not boys anymore, but not yet men, trying to convince them to love me. Then once I had the l'homme du jour (and hence no more fear of rejection) I'd have that Hallelujah moment, like when the blind suddenly can see, and realize my object of pursuit was a jerk and I'd dump him. And once again I was unscathed by rejection.

Now I don't chase love, but I dangle myself out there from time to time as a writer/artist/photographer. Fear of rejection still keeps me from being in perpetual launch mode, but I've also come to realize that being rejected won't kill me. Of course submitting creative work for review is a more detached experience than trying to be young and loved. Thank God. Here's how I court creative recognition: I find a perspective venue, create a submission, and send it on its merry way. It's how I imagine answering classifieds might be, without the bewildering acronyms. Then I try to pretend I didn't submit and go about my life. Then, I eventually get accepted, and it's like getting an e-gift from Amazon, or I get rejected, and it's more like a doctor office call back for abnormal lab results.

Today I got the call back, but I'll live, at home, all next summer, instead of in some other exotic place. Luckily, I like my home and I can still write and hold a camera. My hands didn't reject me.